OCTOBER 10, 1997 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 19
BIG TIPS
Guys don't make passes at guys who don't wash glasses
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Every year or so, I have a crisis of faith in my highly prestigious and lucrative lifestyle, and I think, "Martone, get a real job.” Who wouldn't want to hire me? I'm riddled with skills and experience, and besides, I'm a people person.
So one weekend last spring, with a dirge in my heart and a tall frosty bowl of Cap'n Crunch at my elbow, I snapped open the Sunday paper and started scanning. Seven pages of "High Tech"... mmm, next? No, I don't own a car... I've seen news reports about people who've passed themselves off for decades as doctors without ever having gone to med school, but I think I'd feel a little guilty, and I don't think I could fake an angioplasty... ... No more answering phones.
Rats. If I'd done it before, I didn't want to do it again. But, what was this? The tiniest ad, at the very bottom of the page: "Perform-Men and Women to learn Sumo Wrestling and get paid. Tour all over the world with performance troupe."
ers-
39
Hey! My thoughts turned to my parents. The loving people who couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing than having a daughter who worked for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force her first four years out of college Until I started writing about female ejaculation and talking about butt sex on the radio.
"Mom! Dad! I'm going on tour as a topless, diapered, belly-buckin' sumo wrestler!” That wasn't quite enough to keep me from calling, but then I imagined the difficulty of making my student loan payments from ringsides around the world. That clinched it.
Imagine, then, my shock and disappointment when I recently met Jim Rose (of the world-famous, eponymous freak show and circus), and found out it had been his ad.
Doh! I can't believe I passed up what might have been my chance at a real job.
Dear Big Tipper,
My boyfriend and I have an arrangement: I cook and he washes up. This is not working out, though, because he's the worst dishwasher in the world. I'm not all that picky, but the glasses and plates always have food remaining on them. I don't want tọ hurt his feelings, but it's gross. I've given him dishes back if I'm drying, but I'd have to give him every plate back. I don't want to have to wash them all over again, and I'm starting to get mad.
Dishy Washy
Dear Guys Don't Make Passes at Guys Who Wash Glasses Badly,
Augh! This is the kind of situation that would kill me. I like a nice grit-free bowl; call me uptight.
Here are some suggestions: Cook together and wash together. This gives you more time together at minimal expense, and you can wash, and he can dry. Or maybe you could switch off cooking and washing, then at least the dishes are only dirty half the time.
Try taking over cooking and dishwashing, and let him take over a noncleanliness oriented job, like grocery shopping, or returning the videos. If you're the sorts who wear fur, you could just screw the environment and eat off paper plates for the rest of your life, but I feel obliged to frown on this option.
My favorite suggestion? If you both have good jobs, buy a dishwasher, or give up and take each other out for dinner every night, like nice urban gays. Good luck.
Dear M.T.,
My current girlfriend and I have a wonderful sex life. I have felt feelings with her that I have not felt before. All of my life, I've had a problem with occasional dryness. I'm excited, I feel fantastic, but the wetness just isn't there. My girlfriend takes offense at this. I've tried to explain that it's not her, since she turns me on like no one else ever has.
Lately, also, I haven't been able to come, and she's been able to make me come more than anyone else ever has. She is a fantastic lover. I am really not used to being on the bottom, and I think that may have something to do with this. I need to know if there are others out there who have this problem. I bought a lubricant but she feels that she alone should be able to turn me on without that stuff.
Dear Squeaky Sweetie,
Dry as a Bone
Hon, tell your girlfriend to knock it off. Depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle, what kind of stress you have in your life, what medications you may be on, and your unique chemistry, your lubrication can vary dramatically, no matter how aroused you are.
And let me never again here you speak of lube as "that stuff." Lube should be everyone's first sex toy. It rocks and rolls, and is not about failure to get a slicky, any more than a dildo is about failure to sprout a(n extra) dick. And no matter how slick your puss gets, lube is mostly glycerine, so it stays wet longer than girl juice, which will eventually evaporate. Lube's also lovely for penetrating parts of your body that don't generate their own lubricant.
I'm glad you're great together; but remember that part of being fantastic is making your lover's body feel good without demanding liquid proof. If you're test driving the belly up position, you may be feeling a little more vulnerable, or less experienced in this new role. Those factors, plus any pressure you may be getting from the gal, might be making it hard to have an orgasm. This is really common, and lube can actually help you get more stimulation, and go longer to get what you need to come.
Tell the girlfriend that there's no failure until she doesn't listen to you about what your body really needs. Now, show her this and go get some booty.
Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@ drizzle.com.
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